Thurisaz

Ah, here's that strength and force of will I was talking about.  Here is also taking action.  But I don't understand this as well.

This rune has contradictions.  It is about reactions, opposing force, fighting back, taking quick action against enemies.  But it is about willpower and controlling those impulses by harnessing them into a driving force for thoughtful but powerful action that provides offense and defense at the same time.

This is one of my greatest weaknesses.  I let opposing forces overwhelm me without fighting back at all.  How do I understand this symbol of resistance when I don't ever resist?  I don't resist my temptations to procrastinate or to eat another cookie.  I don't resist the persuasions of my friends to go have fun when I have homework to destroy.  It's probably time for me to start resisting.

The fear is that I'll resist too much, I'll drive people away, and I'll become single-minded and destructive in trying to defeat my weakness.  There is a very delicate balance to this rune, as it rests just on the tip of the thorn which it symbolizes.  It is also like the thorn in that it attacks without warning, defensively, though sometimes I feel like the thorns are out to get me.

Where do I start and where do I stop?  Where is the balancing point?  One way or another I'll either fall and let myself be squashed by life, or I'll try so hard to resist squashing that I'll squash everything else.

I have one question for myself: When is my will the strongest?

Previously I kept asking myself where I find the balance, and I just realized, it's wherever I feel strongest and happiest.  So, when is my will the strongest?  When I'm feeling more physically fit is one.  When I've had enough sleep.  When I feel intrinsically motivated to do what I should rather than what is "fun."  When I am challenged but not over-stressed.  This is when I have the most energy, satisfaction in life, and fun.  I find challenging and interesting things more fun than leisure time more often than not because they are far more worthwhile and satisfying.  So that's why "fun" isn't really fun.  Not always.

I know what I need to do.  Thor, please give me the will to do it.

Uruz

I've always intended to get in shape, but I've never had the perseverance and pain capacity.  My sister is a runner and has dealt with a ton of physical pain in her life, and she is always telling me to suck it up and go.  I never do.

It takes inner strength and force of will to develop the outer strength.

I've always loved skiing and ice-skating, but those are kind of expensive, especially the skiing even though the outdoor program at my school is fantastic and I'd easily be able to go if I found the time and money.  I need to find a way to do those kinds of things more often.

But that isn't the only way.  I know this because of fitocracy: I could easily do yoga and pushups and situps and calf extensions without a single penny dropped.  And I'd level up a bunch if I did those every day.  The trick is getting myself started.  Thanks to Fehu, I already have.  Now it's a matter of maintaining things and doing them consistently.

There is another side to all this, and that is the fact that I am a singer, and my vocal folds are a muscle just like all the other things in your body that you work out and keep in shape.  It takes daily practice to keep that muscle in shape, too, and I'm often terrible about keeping up with regular practicing.  That'll take strength, too.

I think I'll put a horseshoe shape over my door.  I can't do a real horseshoe 'cause I live in a dorm, but I could cut out a little paper one and draw on it then hang it over my doorway.  That would be nice.

Fehu

This is it.

Number one, beginnings, all that... stuff.

I need somewhere to start.  I also need to make some money so that have have something to start with.

Part 1, Step 1: Get a job
Step 2: Earn money
Step 3: Pay back my parents
Step 4: Do things I want to do

Part 2, Step 1: Put things up on Etsy
Step 2: Play ukulele on street corners
Step 3: Earn teh munnies.

Money can cause so many problems. I know it was partly responsible for splitting my family up. It's definitely partly responsible for making my relationship with my mom so stressful. But can I say that it's money's fault? No, it's probably mine. Well, not the first part about the family, I couldn't exactly stop my parents from hating each other. But me and my mom could definitely be closer and better off if I didn't do things and say things to push myself away. I really like being away, being at college, having my own life, but I always know I'm dependent on her.  I'm like this invisible burden that weighs her down even though she never gets to see me and I'm not around to do dishes or cook for her.

You can't blame things on inanimate objects or even inanimate resources.  But still, wealth eludes me.  I'm terrible at managing my time, so I never end up following up soon enough to get what I need or want.

Yet I have plenty of sell-able skills and crafts.  Like I mentioned before, I can street perform and sell things on etsy. That just isn't enough.  And I don't manage my time, so I don't get around to putting myself out there. HAH.  Don't get around to it? I want to slap myself upside the head! "Get yourself the fuck off of facebook and DO YOUR HOMEWORK," I tell myself.  "Actually go DO the things you NEED to do." Then what happens? One game of Settlers of Catan won't hurt. Six hours later, after games, late night walks, and fun reading, nothing matters anymore. I've already missed what I needed to do. I let myself down right from the beginning.

It's time to fix these things.

That's what I'm here for.  Beginning a new set of habits.  Getting things done.  Transforming.

No big deal.  This should be nice and easy.